Growing up in the Bible Belt, I absolutely loved the TV show 19 Kids and Counting. It was nice to see Christians—people like me—on television, even if they were kind of old-fashioned. I didn't agree with the Duggars on everything, but I admired their willingness to stand out from the crowd. In an era of short shorts and crop tops, the Duggar girls were happy to wear maxi skirts and modest t-shirts. And rather than complaining about their family's strict modesty standards, they actually seemed quite happy about "covering up for Christ."
A few years after I started watching the Duggars' reality show, their son Josh's sex scandal came to light. As a teenager, Josh had molested four of his younger sisters, and his family had kept it a secret for all those years to protect Josh. Well, what about protecting the girls? We should never prioritize the interests of an abuser over the safety of his victims. And sexual assault should never be a private family affair! Abuse thrives in darkness and secrecy. We can't solve the problem of abuse until we bring it into the light.
My idea of the Duggars as the "perfect Christian family" began to crumble. Their attitudes on sexual purity seemed hypocritical. Rather than teaching their sons to respect their daughters, it seemed like the Duggar parents put the burden on the girls to avoid "tempting" the boys. They forced their daughters to dress modestly from a young age, yet they were unwilling to confront the fact that their son was a sexual abuser. So much for sexual purity, I thought.
After that, I began to see purity culture a little bit differently. A lot of Christians think about purity in a formulaic way. Like, if you make your kid sign a chastity pledge, wear a purity ring, and follow arbitrary standards of modesty, then you're good to go. I never signed a chastity pledge or owned a purity ring, but I knew plenty of girls who did. Things like chastity pledges and purity rings might seem harmless to most people. But the truth is that it's not just a sheet of paper or a piece of metal. It's a sign that Christians idolize sexuality at least as much as "secular" culture does. We encourage teens to sign a contract saying that they won't have sex until marriage. Yet we don't have them sign contracts about other issues that are important to the Christian faith. When's the last time you saw a teenager wearing a "kindness ring" or signing a "charity pledge"?
We've gotten Christianity backwards. We imply that "if you do the right things, then you will be loved." But it's really the other way around. If people know they are loved, they will act like it. Often, when people do harmful things, it's because they don't value or respect themselves. It's common for people to use things like casual sex, smoking, and alcohol as a substitute for love. Maybe they wouldn't be tempted to find love in all the wrong places if we showed them what love really looks like.
As Christians, we claim to follow Jesus, but we're not doing a very good job of it. Jesus spoke out against strict religious rules, and He called out the Pharisees who used Scripture in a hurtful, unloving way. But modern-day Christians seem to specialize in using the Bible as a weapon, especially when it comes to issues like sex and modesty. And we've come up with so many metaphors to describe people who have "lost their purity" in some way or another:
An unwrapped Hershey kiss that no one wants to eat because it's been passed around too many times.
A piece of tape that doesn't stick anymore because it's already been used.
A glass of water that nobody wants to drink because someone spit in it.
A flower that doesn't have petals because too many people have handled it.
But honestly, all of those metaphors are pretty crappy. You are not a Hershey kiss. You are not a piece of tape that lost its stickiness, a glass of water that someone spit in, or a flower that lost all its petals.
You are a hundred-dollar bill.
Here's the thing about that hundred-dollar bill. I could crumple it up, or even spit on it, and it would still be worth a hundred dollars. A hundred-dollar bill's worth isn't found in how it looks or what it's made of. It's valuable because it was minted by the US government. A hundred-dollar bill is valuable because of who created it. And so are you. There is nothing you can do (and nothing anyone can do to you) that would ever change your value in the eyes of God.
My idea of the Duggars as the "perfect Christian family" began to crumble. Their attitudes on sexual purity seemed hypocritical. Rather than teaching their sons to respect their daughters, it seemed like the Duggar parents put the burden on the girls to avoid "tempting" the boys. They forced their daughters to dress modestly from a young age, yet they were unwilling to confront the fact that their son was a sexual abuser. So much for sexual purity, I thought.
After that, I began to see purity culture a little bit differently. A lot of Christians think about purity in a formulaic way. Like, if you make your kid sign a chastity pledge, wear a purity ring, and follow arbitrary standards of modesty, then you're good to go. I never signed a chastity pledge or owned a purity ring, but I knew plenty of girls who did. Things like chastity pledges and purity rings might seem harmless to most people. But the truth is that it's not just a sheet of paper or a piece of metal. It's a sign that Christians idolize sexuality at least as much as "secular" culture does. We encourage teens to sign a contract saying that they won't have sex until marriage. Yet we don't have them sign contracts about other issues that are important to the Christian faith. When's the last time you saw a teenager wearing a "kindness ring" or signing a "charity pledge"?
We've gotten Christianity backwards. We imply that "if you do the right things, then you will be loved." But it's really the other way around. If people know they are loved, they will act like it. Often, when people do harmful things, it's because they don't value or respect themselves. It's common for people to use things like casual sex, smoking, and alcohol as a substitute for love. Maybe they wouldn't be tempted to find love in all the wrong places if we showed them what love really looks like.
As Christians, we claim to follow Jesus, but we're not doing a very good job of it. Jesus spoke out against strict religious rules, and He called out the Pharisees who used Scripture in a hurtful, unloving way. But modern-day Christians seem to specialize in using the Bible as a weapon, especially when it comes to issues like sex and modesty. And we've come up with so many metaphors to describe people who have "lost their purity" in some way or another:
An unwrapped Hershey kiss that no one wants to eat because it's been passed around too many times.
A piece of tape that doesn't stick anymore because it's already been used.
A glass of water that nobody wants to drink because someone spit in it.
A flower that doesn't have petals because too many people have handled it.
But honestly, all of those metaphors are pretty crappy. You are not a Hershey kiss. You are not a piece of tape that lost its stickiness, a glass of water that someone spit in, or a flower that lost all its petals.
You are a hundred-dollar bill.
Here's the thing about that hundred-dollar bill. I could crumple it up, or even spit on it, and it would still be worth a hundred dollars. A hundred-dollar bill's worth isn't found in how it looks or what it's made of. It's valuable because it was minted by the US government. A hundred-dollar bill is valuable because of who created it. And so are you. There is nothing you can do (and nothing anyone can do to you) that would ever change your value in the eyes of God.
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